A long time ago my heart was warm. It was filled with scents of freshly cut bouquet where smiles were given to strangers and hope for a one true love, a big family ever after, and a successful career seems within reach. Until I broke my heart. Again and again, and again. I used to think it won’t affect me, or who I’m supposed to be. But I was wrong.
My heart grew cold. As the iceberg melts away, my heart grew colder with every rude person I’ve met along my journey. Where kindness repaid with vengeance and sorrow, and love paid with resentment. Where hope failed and emptiness swept in. One day I found myself waking up different. Being nice does not get me anywhere. Being nice make me being used by somebody else; fooled and left out.
But being nice gave me friends, and love, and what little family I have. The little kindness I have in me shook my inner iceberg whenever I said something horrible to people I care about, and yell at me from inside that I’ve changed so much. That tiny little light has been nagging me on what kind of person I want to be, who I want to be, and what kind of family I want to have. It agitates me and sometimes it makes me worse. Only then I know I’m battling anxiety. My own demon. My worst fears and nightmares raced towards me, closer and closer.
I’ve stopped writing, unable to focus on one thing as my mind spirals with worries on numerous things all at once. Until today. I was reading a book titled Women Who Worry Too Much by Holly Hazlett-Stevens, and then I realized it’s all because I worry too much! I have to stop this madness and start focusing on my plan ahead. It is not going to be easy. I’m still losing grip. I still don’t know what to write about anymore. I’m still here at the same place within these safe walls. I need to step out of my comfort zones.
I need to start revolting. Maybe being nice doesn’t suit me well. Maybe being evil trying to be nice doesn’t suit me. Maybe I should try to be nice when I want to be nice, and procrastinate when I need to. Maybe I couldn’t go back to being the sweet shy little girl with warm smile every day of the year anymore. This should be my new year’s resolution. To be a better me, despite all my weaknesses and worries. Admitting I have problems and write about it is my first step.
I hope women all around the world facing similar issues could identify theirs and start facing it, deal with it, and live life worry free. Because, really, it is our time to shine! What’s your inner resolution this year? I want to know more about you.